Vagina Snot or I am Too Sexy For This Pregnancy

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If you are reading this post after seeing the title, you are either very brave or you googled "vagina snot" because you are experiencing it too and there is no better description for it. Or both. I think we have already established that this blog is not for the faint of heart. At 32 weeks of pregnancy, the picture of a woman as a dainty delicate flower growing peacefully under a glowing sun in the heart of a magical forest has been cruelly stained by realities of puking, farting, swollen ankles, hemorrhoids, varicose veins and yes - the vagina snot. And the fact that the discomforts of your growing belly and loosening joints make you skip shower more often than you would ever care to admit doesn't help much.

During pregnancy, a mucous plug fills and seals the cervical canal to prevent bacteria from entering into your uterus. Do yourselves a favor and don't google the term. People apparently take pictures of these when they come out and post them on internet. If you think this blog post is gross, think again. The mucous plug eventually starts to come out. Sometimes it's just little pieces over a long period of time, sometimes it comes out in one big blob. If the big blob is streaked with blood, then that is called a "bloody show" and it means that labor is near. I have no idea who came up with these horrible terms. Probably somebody like me.

In the final stretch of the pregnancy (yes, I choose to call it the final stretch, even if it is still 8 weeks to go, and if you disagree, just shut up now and forever hold your peace) the body starts preparing for the baby to come out. I am not sure if you have ever seen a life size baby doll and a life size pelvis model side by side. I have, in my prenatal classes three years ago. There is nothing right about it. The fit clearly doesn't work. And then there is the vagina opening which most definitely does not fit the size of a newborn head either. So the body has to make some adjustments. Transformers style. At the moment, my pelvic bones are shifting. This is known as SPD or symphysis pubic dysfunction. Things are moving and realigning and if you haven't guessed it yet, it's painful. It's terribly painful. Your lower back and your crotch feel like they are being pulled apart and stabbed over and over, which in return makes you want to stab somebody just to get even. This explains why women nearing birth are often edgy and why this post sounds the way it does.

So yes, let's talk about those images of women with their naked bellies and long hair flowing over their massive boobs. I am all for a positive body image. I am all about the empowerment of women. I am in awe about the creation of a new life and the process of pregnancy - I truly am. And I love it if you feel like the sexiest woman on Earth now that you are about to become a mother. But I have something to say to you in case you don't - even if what you see in the magazines and media is this, those beautiful creatures still have the same vagina snot coming out of them. So don't beat yourself over not feeling sexy enough. There is nothing wrong with feeling like an unsightly whale and look forward to be able to fit into your normal clothes again. One way or another, it's all fine.

PS: After writing this post, I have come to realize that I might possibly never get laid again.
PPS: I would like to thank my very brave and overall incredible husband for sticking around, despite the existence of this blog. You're still coming home for dinner, right, honey?