When I found out I was pregnant with Kai, I was so shocked and overwhelmed I couldn't think straight. It was a planned pregnancy, but I did not expect for us to succeed on the first try. I stumbled out of the bathroom to tell Peter (no cute little shoes, no box, probably not even a smile on my face) and found him on the phone. Which was not what he was supposed to be doing in such a moment.
Fast forward to last Wednesday. Knowing that with Kai I got pregnant instantly, the waiting made me anxious and grumpy.
So I went and peed on a stick and of course, it only showed one line, which meant I was not pregnant. I was mad at myself and I was mad at the stick. I knew it was too early to test and I knew Peter said so, and I was angry about all of it. I took another test about 3 days later. It was the earliest (according to the web-sites and the test instructions) that I could get an accurate reading. One line. Not pregnant. I started wondering if Costco sells pregnancy tests in bulk.
I got up this morning and went to the bathroom. Kai was running around and Peter was still in bed. I decided to give it one more shot. You can see the results on the picture above. I took Kai and we jumped in bed to show it to Peter. He glanced at it and said:
“Yes, I know it is faint. That's the way they show. It's there, though.”
Peter was clearly still in doubt, and I find myself crashing from the cloud nine and heading for the concrete, because I realized that this was the end of my commecial dream to come true. I went upstairs, snapped a photo of the pregnancy test and e-mailed it to my sister and my parents. My Mom called to tell me she can only see one line, but if I think there are two, then she is very happy for us. At that point I could only concentrate on fighting tears at least until she hung up.
All of you out there who had to struggle to get pregnant, or struggle to adopt, or struggle to give birth – I completely understand if you think I am a selfish, undeserving bitch for worrying about the perfect message delivery, instead of just keeping quiet and enjoy what matters the most - the fact that I am pregnant right now! You don't have to tell me – I know.
But I promised to be honest, and this is how I felt, honestly, until I finally got to talk to my sister, who also happens to be a mother of four. She looked at the picture, slapped her forehead laughing and said: “Of course it's there! Holy crap sis, YOU ARE PREGNANT!” So now, I can finally move on from a stupid commercial and focus on being the best incubator I can be to get Kai a sibling who will one day uplift his mood with one sentence. Cheers to that!