If you have read my last blog post, you know that I have been getting progressively worse this pregnancy. Since there is very little I have done or achieved last week, I have decided to feature a guest blog post by nobody else but the very talented and prolific Kai M., also known as my 2-year-old son. I will catch up with you all next Wednesday. For now, drum roll please...
Mommy has been useless lately. She spends most of the time in bed. Every now and then she gets up and goes to the bathroom and makes funny seal noises. She is so silly. Makes me laugh every time. Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa showed up to save us from piles of dirty dishes, laundry and a diet of bread and butter. Oh. Hold on. Wait a minute. A diet of bread and butter?? How did I not realize this before?! Crap. Well, it's OK, because Grandpa made me yummy cereal bowl with fruit every morning and Grandma cooked her signature meatballs and a duck. Only it was fish. I don't know why people can't understand it. Mommy served me leftovers last night and kept insisting it was a duck. After I told her for the millionth time it was actually fish, she finally let it be.
I love Grandma and Grandpa to bits. They bring me gifts. Like toys. Thinking of it, I am not sure why people don't always show up at the door with presents for me. I surely deserve it. Daddy comes home from work every evening empty handed. Mailman drops off boxes sometimes, but they are usually for Mommy and Daddy. Grandma and Grandpa are the only ones with manners, I swear. They brought me a cool golfing set this time. It had a bunch of golf clubs and golf balls, too. I am a born golfer. I took one swing and realized how to utilize this toy the best. Check out the video to see for yourselves. Make sure you have the sound on. If you can't have the sound on, because you are at work and worried your boss might catch you, then know that Daddy called this piece "Angry Golfer!" (by the way, I am pretty sure your boss would appreciate it). Oh, if any of you have suggestions on how to get those clubs off of our neighbor's roof, let me know.
More importantly, Grandma and Grandpa admire my theatrical persona. Mommy is totally oblivious. She even puts me in a timeout sometimes, just for expressing myself. Do you think I should call 911 next time and report child abuse? But Grandma and Grandpa are utterly amazed by my performance. Honestly, they are almost speechless, if I may be so bold. For example, I got to pee my pants the whole week! When they wanted to put me on the potty, I would run away screaming. I like to throw myself on the ground sometimes in a Shakespearean spirit, fists hitting the floor, face turning bright red, inarticulate screeches escaping my twisted mouth. Oscar worthy, I am telling you. Grandma? Grandpa? If you are reading this, can you please come back? Mommy didn't let me pee my pants at all yesterday. Not even once. I am pretty sure she is violating my rights. If you can't come, can you call UNICEF and make sure they are aware of this? Maybe contact Amnesty International and press, too.
I miss Mommy a little bit. I came with a great solution on how to sneak in bed with her. I tell her I also have a baby in my belly and need to rest a lot. She lets me. My belly is usually bigger than hers, so I don't think she suspects anything. That way I get to cuddle with her. When she comes upstairs sometimes, I gently remind her that she has a baby in her belly and Kai has a baby in his belly and tell her we should go back to bed to get some sleep. I am taking really good care of us all.
Well, I hope you liked my guest blog post. I know Mommy thinks she is the writer in this family and I really don't want to hurt her feelings, so really, this is between you and me, but I am already so much better than her. It amazes me. Wow, makes me shiver. OK, gotta run now. I have to see if Santa stopped by yet. People really should keep their appointments, this is getting a bit frustrating. Make sure to share this post with the world - I know the world is waiting for me. I mean, for it. For it.