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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

What to Expect When You Are Not Expecting (Yet)

Almost exactly three years ago, my husband Peter and I decided to have a baby. To be more specific, at that particular time we decided to start working on one. I'd be lying if I said that I felt a need so strong I just couldn't think of anything else but the baby. I could think of a million other things, as a matter of fact (don't forget, this was before I became pregnant and lost half of my brain cells for good). But at the same time, we couldn't really think of a good reason why not to do it. So we just shrugged our shoulders and got down to business. It turned out we didn't have to work very hard - one time did the trick and a couple of weeks later I got nauseous and didn't stop until the kid was born. There were many things that were far from perfect. New city we just moved into without knowing anybody, new jobs, never ending nausea, positive screening test for Down syndrome, stress from amniocentesis (and a relief that the kid did not have Down), breastfeeding struggles, hemorrhaging eleven days post-partum and the kid that would not sleep through the night for the first year of his life. Another move to another new place. New, very demanding job for Peter, and me suddenly alone with the kid all the time.
So why are we about to do this all over again? Well, this is what I am telling myself to make me feel better. We like the kid. We actually like him enough that we have decided to keep him for good. I am very much looking forward to have another one year old. I wish they delivered them at that age at the doorstep, but that appears to be too complicated to achieve (something about ethics I think). We are settled and have great friends now. Family is a relatively short drive away (or a really long flight, depending which part you are looking at). I know what to expect (the worst, that is). My good friend who knows this stuff very well assured me hemorrhaging is completely treatable and even Ugandan women in their huts survive. I feel challenged to be as brave as them. The kid is fairly manageable at this point and we always wanted more than one. I feel like we have learned a thing or two and are sightly better equipped to deal with the next one. I have come to realize that I will never hit that stage where I hold a newborn and feel like I need to have another one. I was hoping it would happen, I really was. Instead, I found myself standing at the supermarket in front of a shelf full of prenatal vitamins and felt the room closing on me, cold sweat dripping down my back and my hands shaking from a full blown panic attack. So I figured, I might just as well just get done with this, and headed to the wine section. Calm down, we are not trying yet. 

The remaining question is why have I decided to make private matters public? With my first one, I insisted we would not tell anyone until I was past 12 weeks and even then thought it was nobody's business. But then all hell broke loose and I got very mad at women and media who only showcase the motherhood in it's most polished, shiny and happy moments. I wish I knew, I kept thinking. That is the main reason this blog was born - I want to share the good and the bad. I want you to see the ugly thoughts that go through my head sometimes, because it might help you feel better about having them, too. The second reason is to be able to bitch when I feel like bitching, while I still remember what was it I wanted to bitch about.

My plan is to check in once a week. I will try to make it the same day, so that you know when to expect my next post. I have no way of knowing what lies ahead. It could take one try, or it could take years to get pregnant again. It could be a breeze this time, or it could be a disaster. I can't tell. But I will be honest about everything we'll go through. As much as I hate the comparison, it is sort of a reality show in writing. It is going to be a diary, but I am going to keep it entertaining for the readers. I love writing and would rather rot in hell than bore you. I would love to hear from you, so please, comment away! Share my posts, my blogs and my journey. I am sure there were blogs like this one out there, but I didn't know about them, so please, spread the word. Even if you are not the target audience, you might know of somebody who would be, or you might know somebody that knows somebody. The biggest reward that keeps me going are my readers. It truly is. So let me finish with a very cheesy closing statement - here is to growing bellies and growing audiences! Cheers!

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